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October 07, 2006

The Indian vegetarian's rant

Like several of my fellow countrymen, I don't eat meat. I don't make a big deal out of it, but I get questions about it all the time.

Most of the time these questions are sincere -- the asker is just plain curious. Sometimes though, they are just a thinly veiled way of expressing contempt at the 'philosophy' of vegetarianism (can anybody tell me what that is? I didn't get the memo) and on some days, this bugs me. Giving the asker the benefit of doubt, I always answer them as I would a sincere question.

For a while now, I've meant to write up something that addresses all the questions I get, sincere or otherwise. I get so many different lines of questioning that I am going to present them all here as one conversation. For the purpose of this post, I'll invent a fictitious person with whom I am having this fictitious conversation. Let's call him, oh I don't know, Cosmo, taking inspiration from Kramer's annoying, no-holds-barred way of asking questions in Seinfeld. If he seems to lacking in, um, social graces and general awareness, it is intentional—he is the figment of my imagination conjured up precisely to ask me all these questions about vegetarianism, including the annoying ones.

[Cosmo is a friend of a friend. We've just had a long night of club hopping. I am sitting with him and a group of friends in a diner, looking over our menus.]

Cosmo: Hey, let's get some buffalo wings and calamari for appetizers.
Me: Can we get mozzarella sticks too?
Cosmo: What's the matter man? What's wrong with the ones I picked?
Me: Oh, I am vegetarian.
Cosmo (resisting the urge to roll his eyes): Oh! I didn't know. How about we get some fish and chips?
Me: I don't eat meat or fish.
Cosmo: Wai-duh-min-nit. Don't some vegetarians eat fish?
Me: There are some that call themselves pesceterians, but they are not really vegetarians. Vegetarianism is a more restrictive diet.
Cosmo: All right, all right. I guess we can get mozzarella sticks instead of the calamari.
Me: Great, thanks!

[We order the appetizers.]

C (suspiciously): So. You're vegetarian huh?
M: That's right.
C: What does your family think of your decision?
M: Well, everybody in my family is vegetarian, so I guess they must be supportive.
C: Wow, so is that for religious reasons?
M: Well, I was raised vegetarian for religious and cultural reasons...
C: All Hindi people are vegetarian?
M: You must mean Hindu people. Hindi is a language—in fact, India's most common language. So yes, I was raised in a Hindu family. Even though I am not that religious anymore, I never really found a reason to start eating meat. It has become a part of how I live.
C: Have you tried meat?
M: Not really, no. I have eaten it one or two times by mistake and when I found out later, I didn't really care for it that much anyway.
C: Dude, that's really too bad. You're really missin' out on a lot of good stuff.
M: Maybe, but it doesn't bother me. Let's see... are you straight, gay or bi?
C (indignant): What the hell man! I am totally straight. I don't need any of that gay stuff in my life.
M: Well, if you're not bi, does it bother you that you're missing out on half of all the sex you could be having?
C: All right, all right. Point taken. But how can you skip eating meat after its delicious smell hits you?
M: Some meat does smell good to me, but most of it doesn't smell too pleasant.

[The wings and mozzarella sticks arrive. The waiter is taking entrée orders.]

Me (to the waiter): I'll have a mushroom-spinach omelette with muenster cheese. Can you get me a strawberry milkshake as well? Thanks!
C: Wait a second. I thought you were vegetarian. And you just got a cheese omelette and a milkshake?
M: I am vegetarian, not vegan. Vegans eat no animal products whatsoever—it's they who skip dairy and eggs. Suffice it to say, they have a slightly harder time at diners like this.
C: Oh, cool. So you're actually somewhat normal. But doesn't it bother you man that we're eating wings?
M: No, of course not. Why would it?
C: I don't know man. You said you don't like the smell.
M: Oh, don't worry about it. I have no problems if someone else at the table is eating meat. Most of my friends are actually not vegetarian.
C: But surely it must bother you that we're eating these poor delicious chickens?!
M: Not really, no—that's your choice. Like I said, I was raised vegetarian. I never decided to 'go vegetarian' when I was 12, to save the animals, so I tend not to be ideological about it. Just like you are not forcing me to eat yours wings right now, I would never require you to be vegetarian.
C: Okay, to each his own I suppose. But you must surely run into all these health problems?
M: I've had absolutely no health problems because of my diet.
C: But you can't get all the nutrients your body needs by being vegetarian! Where do you get your protein?
M: Actually, studies show plant foods alone can supply all the essential amino acids the body needs. What's more, as you just saw, I eat eggs and dairy. I get all the protein I need from all these sources.
C: Dunno how you keep it up. Hey Elaine, weren't you vegetarian too at some point?
Elaine: Oh yeah, for a summer, when I was 15. I was the only one in my family who decided to stop eating meat. I started eating a lot of junk food and actually put on some weight. Then one night soon after Labor Day, my mom made this amazing meatloaf. The smell filled the house and drove me mad. That's when I realized being vegetarian was not for me. I ate meatloaf that night as if nothing had happened before and then never looked back. It's a distant dream now.
C (with self-satisfied grin on his face): See? Told you so.
M: If you keep telling yourself you're missing out by being vegetarian, it's not very surprising that you can't keep it up.

[Cosmo's Philly cheesesteak sandwich arrives.]

C: Mmmm... you sure man that you don't want a bite?
M: Thanks but no thanks. I don't eat beef or any other meat.
C (mouth full of beef, bread and cheese): Yeah, but this cow didn't eat any meat either! Heh heh, heh heh heh... just kidding.
...
C: So let me ask you this, do you eat shrimp?
M: No, I don't eat seafood either. One rule of thumb is, if it has a face I won't eat it.
C: Aha! Then what about oysters? They don't have a face. They probably don't feel any pain when you cook them either.
M: But I think they stink to high heaven. The if-it-has-a-face rule is only a rule of thumb. It's not like you eat all animals either. In the end, I decide if I want to eat something or not.
C: Have you tried caviar? It's not exactly an animal.
M: I haven't tried caviar mostly because I haven't wanted to try it badly enough. It does involve cutting open 'pregnant' fish, so it is not generally considered vegetarian. I dunno, perhaps it might be interesting to try someday, with some good champagne.
C: Wait a minute—I thought vegetarians don't drink? I had a friend from Pakistan who didn't drink.
M: Your friend probably didn't drink 'cause he was Muslim. Also, if he was from Pakistan, I doubt he was vegetarian.
C: Are all Indians vegetarian?
M: Hardly! In fact, most Indian households are not vegetarian. There is a subtle guilt complex that some Indians have about eating meat, but if that were a big problem then most of India would be vegetarian.

[It's time to pay the bill and leave.]

M: Hey, here's $12 if we split the bill evenly among the six of us.
C: It's okay man. Your food cost only $6. Just put in $8 so it includes tax and tip.
M: Thanks man. See? Here's one mixed blessing about being vegetarian. Your food costs less but if you just split the bill evenly, you end up overpaying.
C: It's the tax you pay for being weird.
M: Hey, 6-10% of Americans say they are vegetarian, which is about the same percentage of college-educated Americans who couldn't find the U.S. on a world map. Have a good night!

Posted by Vishy at October 7, 2006 05:46 PM

Comments

Posted by: Hiren at October 7, 2006 11:16 PM